How do you keep Santa busy for hours?

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Ask him to find my name on the "good" list.

Tonight marks day 1 of of my 3 days Christmas! We're headed to my Man's Dad's house for supper tonight, tomorrow we leave for Phoenix. When we arrive there will be a Christmas supper waiting for us. Saturday is Christmas Brunch followed by the Dallas Cowboys versus (whatever the Arizona football team is, insert here_______) GAME.

Since I am a semi-resident/Phoenix vacationer I should cheer for the Arizona team (and probably find out what their name is too) which is why i've decided to dress up like THIS on Saturday.


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Hopefully I can find a seat next to her, you know, for a more dramatic effect..


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I can't wait to over indulge and stuff mah FACE!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

PS Free the animals and let them drink out of your Christmas Mugs..

Cozy Time

So only one more day until I have to be the meanest Mom in the world and leave my baby behind...



The mess in the background is evidence that I haven't gotten through my to do list yet. More specifically number 1) clean the condo castle. Numbers 2 through 7 are not looking very promising. YEEEEES, I didn't want to do them anyway.

Since Bailey ruined her last house by trying to escape through the front mesh face first I had to buy her a new one. The timing couldn't be worse since she's had the other one since she was 8 weeks old. It's familiar and familiarity is exactly what she's going to need while she stays with my Man's Grandparents.

Meet Gil



This picture was taken last Christmas when he decided to try on somebody's stylish furry hat. We couldn't be leaving her with two bigger dog lovers. Bailey will probably look like a small blimp by the time we get back, full of snackses and love. Regardless I know she's going to think I'm an asshole when I watch as they take her away. By watch, I mean hiding in another room silently sobbing. To be honest, i'm not sure whether the experience will be more traumatizing for her or ME. Probably me.

SO moving on to her new house, Cozy Time for the Stylish Pet..



I stuffed her new house with two fleece blankets. I've basically been rolling around on them for the past 3 nights trying to get my scent all over them. If I could wear them to work I would. I'd wear it like toga.



Speaking of Scents, check out my very FIRST Scentsy...



One of my Girlfriends had a Scentsy party and I decided ahead of time I was going to make it worth while and buy one that smelled like baking or cleaning, basically something to fool my guests. I went with baking..

Sugar Cookie



It was a good choice. The night I got it I opened it up, showed my Man and made him smell it. After it had been on for an hour he agreed that it smelt (is that right use of that word?) really good. The next night I turned it on while he was upstairs and the next thing you know I hear, "What are you making down there? It smells like baking?" Score.

Last but not least Superstore has really stepped up their game. The other night I bought (well my Man bought me) some Natural-No-Animal-Testing-Paraben-Free shampoo and conditioner. Oh and some hard-core-I-hope-they-don't-test-that-sh*t-on-animals crest whitening strips.



Look how romantic the scentsy makes the Nature's Gate bottles look. Next time I try to seduce my Man i'll turn it on and hold it up to my face. Anyway, I haven't used the shampoo/conditioner yet but I figure only two things can happen. 1) It works just like all my other shampoo/conditioner, or 2) It works just like all my other shampoo/conditioner.

PS Nimrah I can't click on the link to your page. Send it to me!!

Mission

My Man says I have to pick ONE day trip for the two of us while were in Phoenix (we leave on Friday). I need help!

Grand Canyon?



Or are the 7 wonders of the world overrated? I've seen bigger potholes in Regina. Ohhhh JUST kidding. They are slightly smaller.

Lake Havasu?



That's the infamous London Brigde of, "London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down, London Bridge is falling down, something, something, somethiiiiiing." Yeah, that one.

The Phoenix Zoo?



Unfortunately, I think they went with the "safari" theme. Typically I prefer the "dangerous ocean animals, like sharks" theme. I am willing to budge though.

I've googled, "Fun things to do in AZ", "10 Best Restaurants", "Best places to see in AZ" and "F@#$ you google you are no help". SO I am turning to YOU. What should I choose? Any better ideas? Any AHmazing restaurants you've heard of? It can be in or out of Phoenix. Think of the comment sections as a suggestion box and suggest away.

If I come back and there are none it will be confirmed that I am literally talking to myself on here, just as I suspected.

Dough Balls

So I finally made a recipe last weekend that I've been eyeing for quite some time, Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Balls. If you follow me on twitter you might recall this tweet..

Baking Peanut Butter Dough Balls. Whoever likes balls say I.

Or this one..

Welp, I'm full of vino and dough balls. Off to watch a fight I don't care about!

Last Saturday I finally bought all the necessary ingredients and went to town, and let me tell you these cookies are AH-MAZING. If you like peanut butter (understatement), chocolate and cookie dough then you will LOVE these. My Man actually said that they might be the best cookies he’s ever eaten in his WHOLE life. I didn’t even have to lie and pretend that he said this (which I would have), he actually said it.

This recipe actually took eating the dough, licking the beaters and scraping the bowl to a whole new level. Now I don’t know about anyone else but I’m not down with the whole moderation thing. You know when people (especially celebs) say, “I eat everything I want just in moderation. I have a bite here and a bite there.” Right, well not me. Moderation is boring and not fun. When I eat a cookie I want to eat 3, maybe 4 and then I want to go sit in the living room for 15 minutes and then make my way back to the kitchen for more.

I do however; believe in playing games with myself like this one. Saturday night I said to myself. “Self, you can eat as many cookies as you want tonight, you are a champ. HOWEVER, after tonight you can’t have any more. Tomorrow you won’t have any cookies.”

NEVER do this with Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Balls. You will ALWAYS eat more Balls tomorrow.

Side Note: Make these cookies. Take them to your Christmas Celebrations. Tell everyone you invented them and made them from scratch. Bask in all the compliments and praise. Eat 10 of them yourself. Don't be ashamed.



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Attendance

SO I know I said I would be back yesterday and I think my absence is evidence enough I lied. After spending two days taking an "Intro to Excel" course at Siast I had a pile of things waiting for my arrival back at the office.

I learned a two things while attending this course, how to make everything in Excel pink and that school still sucks. You know what they say, old habits die hard. I spent the majority of my two day education fighting the urge to skip, take extra long bathroom breaks/wander the halls (no one will accuse of taking too long in the bathroom) and not pay attention.

I had to leave the second day of the course an hour early so I could "model" at an H&B Men's Night. I use the word model loosely here. Although model was in the description I would consider myself to have been more of greeter/server of drinks. Regardless, I was going to be paid in jewels and obviously couldn't turn THAT down. When class started Tuesday morning I had plans of telling the teacher that I would be leaving early, but one thing led to another and I just never got around to it. I was busy charting, creating spreadsheets and checking hotmail. ANYWAY, we had our last break at 2:15. I figured this was the perfect opportunity to slip out considering I had to be at the H&B showroom by 3:00.

Now APPARENTLY (as was told to me by my fellow co-worker who was also taking the class) the teacher did not appreciate this. "Why didn't she tell me she was leaving?", "I'm going to have to give her an incomplete.", etc.. etc.. By the end of the class the teacher's anger faded and she obviously began to remember how charming and smart I was.

Therefore she gave my co-worker THIS to pass along...



I now see why attendance was so important. By 13 this statement really means 11.75.

Be Back Tomorrow!

Unfortunately, my Mom's making me take a two day course at Siast. Be back tomorrow!!

Orgasm

That title caught your eye didn't it. I'm talking about Nars blush in Orgasm. I've been reading about this blush in magazines for YEARS, but have never tried it until NOW. Mostly because I live in sorry excuse for a city. I think the last "new" store we got was the Gap. And then in Celebration every one ran out and bought GAP sweatshirts. Unfortunately this gem of blush is not organic or all natural, but take it from me it's worth putting a little animal fat or flecks of metal/glass on your face. It's BEAUTIFUL.



Also keep in mind, I'm as white as Marilyn Manson and it still looks AMAZING.

(this is where i'd put a picture of him with "blush?" written about, but he's too ugly for this blog)

Another thing I LURVE is this toque...



It's from Aldo and it's the PERFECT toque. I normally don't wear toques because they squeeze the top of my head while emphasizing my chubby little cheeks. It's not a desirable look I can tell you that much. HOWEVER, this one is literally perfect and since it's only taken 24 years to find it, I feel the need to share. BUY ONE, and buy me the other two colours. My address is 156-5305.. JUST kidding. I'll buy them myself, damn it. (you should probably try this on before buying it incase you have an unusually maasive head, in which case you should probably steer clear of toques all together. Massive heads are destined to be cold.)

Side Note: Toques make you feel cool. I'm wearing this one right now and I feel SO cool. So cool in fact, I might not talk to ANYONE in the office today.

Undies and Puppies

You know when people say, “today is laundry day” which means that they’re probably wearing the most unattractive granny panties they own? Well today is that day. However, I don’t own granny panties so I only have two options. One, don’t wear any or two, pull on one of the many pairs of underwear I bought WAY too tight. My too tight collection is made up thongs that cut into my sides and various pairs of boy cut undies that cut in everywhere. Today, I went with a very pretty, lacy, extra tight black thong. SO if there are more spelling mistakes than usual or sentences that don’t make sense it’s because my underwear are cutting of the circulation to my brain. And my stomach, arms, neck and head. You are lucky I can type.

I know I haven’t been posting much about food lately but that’s because it’s CHRISTMAS time. I’ve been attending so many parties and dinners that there would be a lot of missing meals (because I don’t want to paparazzi it in restaurants). However, if they weren’t missing you would be seeing a lot of Moxie’s Quesadilla’s, Free House Burritos, Calamari, Med Bread and WINE. I feel like as long as you eat healthy when you make your own things you’ll be pretty healthy in general and the holidays are meant for indulging. When I’m not eating out I’m still addicted to the following..







I’m a creature of habit and right now THESE things are habits. I’m still hitting the gym about 4 times a week doing some elliptical, ride and weights (mostly concentrating on my butt and shoulders). The gym really took a back seat for a month or two there and then I realized I’m less grumpy if I go to the gym. When I go I just feel like I’m “fit” even if that’s not the case. Delusion can positive. Yup, so that’s that in case you were wondering.

After driving to work this morning and having Bailey bust her head through the front of her house and let out one singular “woof” at the end of my Tim Horton’s order, I figured TODAY would be a good day to talk about buying a puppy.



Although it appears as though the second visible hole in this picture would be attatched to the same hole her head is protruding out of, this would not be the case. The said "head hole" is small and although I tried to push her head back in I had no luck. We're a classy bunch.

Here are a few key things you need to know before diving in.

a)Before you go on Kijiji and start placing outrageous offers on puppies that you HAVE to have because they’re cute and PERFECT for you, do some research on the particular breed of each puppy you’re looking at buying. If you don’t you might end up with an active, high energy, alert, mischievous terror when what you wanted was a lazy cuddler.

b)Buy everything you need for the puppy BEFORE you go and pick it up. Do not stop at petsmart on the way home. With the puppy.

c)Do not leave your puppy alone in your car while you run in to get a pita immediately after you pick her up. She WILL pee on your seat.

d)If you never liked school don’t sign up for puppy school, you will not like it either. School is school and you can’t get a refund when you drop out midway through.

e)If let your brand new puppy sleep in your bed, you will accidentally push her off the bed and assume it was the remote. Crate her.

f)Spending money doesn't stop after the initial purchase of your puppy. You need money for the vet visits, shots and spaying/neutering. I wouldn't know but i'd say having this money saved might be smart.

g)Make sure you’re not buying a puppy mill puppy. UGH, it’s so sad and if you’re like me you feel especially bad for those puppies and want to give them a home that’s not a mill or one of those glass pet store wall squares. But the only way to put an end to puppy mills is to stop supporting them.

h)Whoever wants to come on a top secret mission involving puppy mills, mean breeders, animal abusers and teaching them a lesson please contact me.

i)lastly, on the same day as you pick up your new puppy sign up for couples therapy.

And remember they grow up so fast... And so bad...

Dear Diary

I want to punch snowboarding in the face.

Yesterday my Man took me to Mission Ridge to teach me how to snowboard. I was both excited and a little apprehensive as we pulled up to the mini-ski resort and began our day. We started with the bunny hill where I immediately got the hang of “snow plowing” with a little side to side action. If you don’t know what I mean by this, that’s unfortunate because it’s the only way I know how to describe it.

After about an hour of the bunny hill I LOVED snowboarding and began to get cocky and inquire about the “big runs”. One run in particular actually with which my Man replied, “I don’t think you’re ready yet and that run would be the worst one to try because you need to be able to go sideways and gain speed. At least on the steep ones you would be able to snow plow.” Thinking he was underestimating my skills I assured him that I could gain speed no problem and that I was ready. Realizing he was going to have to let me find out for myself he finally agreed. Little did I know I was completely disregarding my inability to consistently get up on my board with ease, ride the chair lift and do anything other than snow plow. I can’t think of a more appropriate time to use the phrase, “a train wreck waiting to happen.”

As we made our way to the front of the chair lift line I noticed a “singles line” sign, I was unsure of what this meant until my Man and I were boarding our chair and a 3rd person hopped on. What? Well this is crowded, I thought to myself. How are all THREE of us supposed to get off at the same time? And why is this thing going so fast? Am I supposed to just RIDE off of it at THIS speed? Can we ask them to stop it? As we panicked our way to the top, and by we I mean I, I considered ending it all and just giving into the weight of my board which was dangling mid-air and extremely heavy. Now this is where things get blurry, as we neared the end and it was time to get off I only remember thinking 3 things. Holy F%@#, MOVE OVER GUYS and ouch I broke my a*@. This was quickly followed by a stranger’s voice yelling, “HURRY UP! You need to MOVE out of the way”. Geeze.

From here on out there really isn’t too much to tell. I wouldn’t say that I had a hard time keeping up with my Man; it was more that my Man had a hard time keeping down with me. He spent a lot of time waiting 50 feet ahead of me or wondering whether I had veered off into the bush. Mean while I spent a lot of time falling, trying to get up, not getting up, getting frustrated, trying to use tree branches to pull myself up, fighting back tears, still not getting up, getting up, falling, making friends with Chinese tourists, getting up, falling, crashing into other people, apologizing, etc.. etc.. When I finally made it to the bottom, after what felt like 3 hours, I HATED snowboarding.

Now this is the point where had I not been with my Man I obviously would have quit. Not only would I have quit but I probably would have strategically placed my snowboard on the ground in the parking lot in hopes that someone would drive over it. Unfortunately, my Man didn’t give me quitting as an option. Instead it was, “do you want to go back to the bunny hill or go in and have something to eat?” SOMETHING TO EAT.

I cried twice (that anyone saw) throughout the day and this food break was one of them. My Man told me I was a suck, but I didn’t care. Snowboarding was mean and I deserved to cry. When we finished eating he announced, “Alright, we’ve got 2 more hours left!” This was the second time I cried. Just kidding, I didn’t cry again until I was trying and failing to get up on my board at the top of the bunny hill. My Man couldn’t figure out HOW I couldn’t get up which frustrated me more. “I JUST CAN’T OKAY!!!!!”

Before I go diary, I just have to say this. Aside from the time he called me a suck and accused of me of not giving it my all when trying to get up my on board, my Man was SO patient. Not only did he put up with my small fits (luckily the people around me only spoke Chinese, although I’m sure board stomping and glove throwing is universal for irritated and discouraged) he spent the WHOLE day on the bunny hill with me. He coached me (tried to), encouraged me and helped me.

So in conclusion, I want to punch snowboarding in the face but I want to bear hug my Man. He is the best.

Late Post

I will be back a little later this morning to POST!!

Nice Gums

YES this article is exactly what i've been looking for. A reason to reward or at least condone my constant 24 hour a day/night peanut butter (almond butter, okay annnd cashew butter) consumption. A study involving 9,000 adults (why I wasn't called for this one I don't know) conducted at the Harvard Medical School and Harvard School of Public Health found eating foods containing polyunsaturated fatty acids such as peanut butter and salmon reduced gum disease. Well i'll be damned, I may eventually become large and in charge but at least my gums will be disease free. And powerful.

Say Cheese



Cheeeeeeese

Why do photographers (or regular people snapping pictures) say, "say cheese" before taking a picture? Where did that come from? Why not, "say Pepperoni"? Or why doesn't each culture have a different picture word like, "say RICE", "say Naan" or "say Perogies"? Is it because cheese is a one syllable word therefore you can say it with ease? Imagine the pictures you'd get if you told everyone to say, WATERMELON.

That's probably what Dina Lohan says..


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So for the past few days i've been flooding my Man's inbox with pictures of half naked girls in bikinis. I'm trying to decide which Beach Bunny Bathing Suit I NEED and obviously I also need his opinion. Anyway, my Dad was in his office when he opened my untitled email.

SURPRISE


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He closed it as fast as he opened it. You can imagine his horror as he looked to my Dad to see if he'd noticed or not. Deciding he hadn't, he clicked open the next untitled email thinking it would have an explanation for the first one..


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Nope. Back shot. Poor guy. At this point he knew that he had no choice but to show my Dad and explain that it was his daughter sending him these explicit photos. Oh and that she's surfing beachbunny.com trying to decide which bathing suit she wants during work time.

I'll take daughter, girlfriend and employee of the year in one fell swoop. And this bikini. Thanks.

Oh Christmas Tree

I've been a bad blogger this week. You can blame twitter and my one track mind. The good news is that I have a few things to share today.

It's TREE TIME in the Condo Castle



This is one of those pre-lit trees (the best kind), the fact that it's nothing but lights is a testament to my laziness and lack of commitment. I can't commit to a colour scheme this year. See the year I bought it I decided that hot pink and lime green were the perfect Christmas colours. Aging 2 years and maturing at most, half a year, I've come to realize that these are not the perfect Christmas colours. In fact, these colours clash with any other decorations you want to buy aside from the round hot pink and lime green ornaments. They even clash with Santa.

I recently picked up THIS new kind of BURGER


Sol Cuisine makes the BEST burgers and this one is another winner in my books. It's got a little more heat/kick than the Indian one and the plain one. It also has both bean and corn kernels in it. I felt like I needed to singularize corn just there by adding kernel behind it. Mostly so I could tell my next story..

So yesterday, my Man ended up dropping off a scale for one of his buddies who then asked him to go for lunch which then led to me losing my lunch partner and eating my lunch in front of the TV. SO as I sat there eating my burger topped with mushrooms, ketchup and a side of a brown rice wrap (my lunch.. okay, and dinner of the moment..) a corn kernel rolled off my plate and fell between the couch cushions. As I watched it fall into the depth of the couch/black hole (it probably landed on a pile of loonies, one of my nighties and a lost remote control) I said to myself, "when you get up from this couch remember to grab that corn kernel." I should have just answered back right then and there. "Self, you will never remember to do that. Also, your sheets are still in the washer from 2 weeks ago. You might be able to skip the dryer."

Mah Snowboard



I love this board because it has great sayings written all over it. I can't remember what any of them are at the moment but I can assure you they are very insightful.



Russell Brand has ANOTHER book, Booky Wooky 2. Obviously someone told him I was done the first one and ready for another good page turner. Obviously.



When I uploaded this next picture and it appeared all mini on my screen, I could not for the life of me remember what this was a picture of. I was thinking, ants. Why would I take a picture of ants? And where did I find them in this weather? When I opened it I remembered...



This is my maximum security fence to keep Bailey in the backyard. As you can see there are a few minor flaws/escape routes, but she has yet to attempt to break out.