Today I'm sharing with YOU my Maid of Honor Speech. Remember when I told you guys I was going to do "Wedding Wednesdays" and only did it once? Ya, me too. Anyway, it's Tuesday and I decided to post this for no apparent reason. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this, but I LOVE public speaking. Or I guess a more accurate statement would be I love telling my own stories in public or to anyone who will listen. Enter this blog.
Enter this speech..
So I figured I would just have to picture you all in way that would make me feel more comfortable. So now that I have you all drunk and naked I realize I actually should have had final say over the seating chart too. Does anybody want to switch tables with the devils?
For those of you here that have not had the pleasure of watching Kristin make a decision, I’ll start by painting you a little picture. One evening at Silver’s we thought we’d finish up awith a quick dessert. However, after 15 minutes of deliberation, 2 visits from the waitress and 6 very annoyed family members, okay 1 very annoyed family member, she finally decided on nothing. This is a typical occurrence with Kristin, always indecisive. I can tell you one thing for sure though and that is that is that saying yes to Rae was probably the easiest and quickest decision of her life.
Growing up Kristin and I were very different, and by very different I mean polar opposite. I very clearly remember the house being like a war zone from 3:30 until 5:00 o’clock Monday through Friday. See this was the hour and a half between the time we would get home from school and the time mom and dad would get home from work. This was also the hour and half Kristin took on the self-appointed role of the boss. (in which Kristin appointed herself the boss). We could have charged people admission to watch the kind of stuff that went on. The most suspenseful part about these fights were that they ended in a race to the phone to see who could pick it up, dial and spit out their side of the story the fastest. And if Teresa was really lucky that day we’d each run to separate phones and yell out our stories at the same time. The key to that one was being the loudest. Now deep down I knew it really didn’t matter how fast I ran or how loud I yelled because Kristin’s story always pulled more weight. She was the “good” child. Unlike most people Kristin was actually born honest, loyal and with the intelligence and maturity of level of a 45 year old.
I’d play house with her under the impression that we’d both be moms, have tea parties, do fake dishes, you know she’d wash I’d dry kind of thing. However, I always had another thing coming. Kristin was the boss, owner and manager of the fisher price house and there was only allowed to be one mother. Remember this was back in the early 90’s. Now you could probably have three. Whether I liked it or not, all the cabbage dolls and I would spend the afternoon following Kristin’s directions and orders. Next thing you know I’d find myself sitting alone in the furnace room because apparently I was attending school for an hour.
We also shared a bathroom, I know what you’re all thinking, Teresa and Dale must have been suckers for punishment. They were. See Kristin has always been very conservative, she likes her privacy, she’s clean and very organized. I am none of these things. When it came to the bathroom Kristin’s rule was simple, as long as she was in the bathroom first we could not be in there at the same time. However, if I was in the bathroom first she’d make an exception. This normally led to lots of fights and it didn’t take long before we both realized that if the other one was in there and the door was locked, all you had to do was line yourself up just right, and smash your body against the door. Like I said suckers for punishment. Anyone here, who knows my dad, knows he can fix anything. I haven’t tried it lately but I’m pretty sure that door still doesn’t lock properly. Those of you staying at my parents house might want to remember that.
The bathroom fights weren’t actually confined to the area inside those four walls. I remember in high school I’d be over Kim’s house hanging out and I’d get a call from Kristin. Let me point out at this was before I had a cell phone, she’d actual call Kim’s house line. So I’d get on there..
“Where is my eye shadow brush?”
“What eye shadow brush?”
“The green one, top drawer, second from the right next to my blue eye shadow. I know you have it”.
“I do not!” click. “Kim uhh pass me that green eye shadow brush..”
We’ve gone from sharing a bathroom to an office and from enemies to friends. We still may not see eye to eye on some things, okay most things but I’ve come to appreciate her views. All the qualities I once despised, the one’s that made her the “good” child, I now admire and aspire to. She is the most caring person I know, she is beautiful and she has an unreal sense of humor, the dry sarcastic kind that’s always entertaining. On top of all of that Rae really hit the jackpot cause she can cook. You better be careful Rae because now you eat all that baking and it’s just gone, but I heard guys don’t get their Man body until their like 29. Come 28 and that stuff will start hang around and muffin top will refer to more than just the actual tops of Muffins.
I always wondered what kind of guy Kristin would end up with. Bree, Taylor and I actually spent many nights in Mexico pondering this. I thought it would have to be this perfect Man, like the kind that came in a box with a dog named skipper and a framed picture of his mother. Someone organized, athletic, tall, funny, clean, punctual, polite, clean. But I was wrong. He’s not punctual. And his dogs name was Shillow. Kristin I couldn’t be happier for you, you’ve actually managed to find someone as nice and as genuine as you. See normally in a relationship there’s a giver and a taker. However, some one screwed up with this one because they’re both givers. Figure that one out, two indecisive givers. “Ummm you can have the last bite of sandwich, nooo you can, no really you have it” “Uhh Can you guys go do that in Rae’s office”.
Now in most of the speeches I’ve heard, all three of them, the maid of honor or best man will end it with the whole “this is the last time you have the upper hand” joke, but Rae never had it to begin with, so that’s not funny. So I figured I’ll just offer some final advice. And that is, that I advise you, Kristin, to talk to Grandma. Because the only person that I know who moves slower than Rae is my 75 year old grandpa, Bud. And those two have been together for 50 some years. So she’s got to have a secret.
Congratulations you two. Please raise your glasses. Here’s to my big sister, the boss, the beautiful bride.